What Your Shadow Knows (That You Don't)

There’s a moment that happens when you start to step into something that really matters to you. You feel the pull to move forward, you feel excited and lit up — and then, boom. Resistance shows up.

Wait, who invited her to the party?

Your mind, that's who. Doing what it does best — trying to keep you in the familiar. Because the second you step into something new, it starts sounding the alarm.

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I recently started running a Soul Entrepreneur Circle, and in our last gathering, the topic of resistance, shadow, and light came up.

We were talking about how resistance shows up when we start putting ourselves “out there.” Sharing our gifts. Stepping into visibility. Building something meaningful in front of others (and not behind closed doors).

You know the resistance I’m talking about:

"Who am I to do this? I don't have a degree in it."
"I feel like an imposter."
"I'm scared to be visible."
"People will judge me."
"What will friends and family say?"
“What will that person from high school who follows me on social media say?”
“The tech part seems too hard.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
"What if I say something off-putting, or dumb?"
“I’m uncomfortable asking for money.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“I’ll start once… [fill in the blanks].”

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Many women I know, or have been meeting recently, are moving into spaces where we're sharing more of ourselves — our gifts, our service, our magic. And the resistance is real. Present company very much included.

To work with that resistance, I believe we need women to be in our full power.

And what does full power mean? To me, it means: WHOLENESS. To be fully whole. All parts included.

It’s time to be in our joy, our vulnerability, our courage, our weirdness, our strength, our softness, our wildness, and our true selves. It’s time to share our Unique Ability (as coined in the book 10x Is Easier Than 2x) as we build projects, products, spaces and places that we’re uniquely equipped to build. 

But what do we do when resistance feels like an impenetrable force?

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Recently I attended a women’s retreat in Los Angeles at Wish Club where a portion of the retreat was led by Kristan Sargeant. Kristan is a fierce Shadow ally and Shadow work advocate through her coaching work. She was mentored by and has worked closely with Barry Michels and Phil Stutz, creators of The Tools. So, she knows her Shadow stuff!

What I love about Kristan is how she talks about the shadow with such passion and excitement – that it’s not something to fear. It isn't something dark to be ashamed of or afraid of. As she has said, the Shadow is actually the most alive, intelligent part of you — buried, waiting, starving for your attention.

In the workshop, Kristan shared that Carl Jung described the shadow as the aspects of ourselves that never got to fully develop. The paths not taken. The desires set aside in service of survival, adaptation, or simply trying to belong. As we grow up, we get very clear messages about what's okay to be — and what isn't. Don’t be too powerful. Too ambitious. Too self-centered. Too loud. Too much. So those parts go underground. 

But they don't disappear – they simply go quiet. 

I learned that until we partner with our Shadow, we're a divided house. There is an unlived life within us.

Kristan said that the shadow carries the blueprint for our most expansive life. It's sitting on a gold mine of intelligence, insight, and instinct. The innovative, creative, life-driving part of us — the part that knows exactly how to go for what we want — is in there. It has its own desires, its own timeline.

And it will not stay a silent passenger forever.

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I’ve been thinking about how this Shadow work ties into what I’ve been teaching in my book study courses of The Freedom Transmissions.

The Freedom Transmissions asks this question: 

What do you fear more — the Void or the Light?

If you fear the void, you might wrestle with fear of failure, judgment, loss of control, shame. If you fear the light, it shows up as "who am I to do this," struggles with being seen, fear of rejection, not feeling worthy of what you actually want.

We learn that often extroverts tend to have a greater fear of the void, while introverts tend to have a great fear of the light. “One fears loss, the other fears gain.”

But the real fear often isn't either of those.

It's what growth will ask you to release — the old story, the outdated identity, the very comfortable feeling of staying exactly where you are.

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Gay Hendricks calls this the Upper Limit Problem in his book The Big Leap.  

Hendricks says that we all have an internal thermostat — a built-in comfort zone — for how much success, love, happiness, and ease we'll allow ourselves to have. When things start going better than what feels "normal" to us, something kicks in. Thoughts like “this won't last” or “the other shoe is about to drop”  or “I feel uncomfortable, things are too good.” And without realizing it, we do things that bring us back to the familiar — even when the familiar isn't good for us. 

We unconsciously sabotage ourselves … because our brain prefers what it knows, what feels comfortable. (Think Will Smith at the Oscars with the slap heard around the world.)

This is exactly where shadow work comes in. The parts of us that got buried — the ambition, the power, the wildness, the desire to go for it — those are the same parts that are driving the resistance. (Think self-sabotaging, complacency, gloom and doom thoughts.) They're not trying to stop you. They're trying to get your attention.

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When Kristan talked about working with the shadow, she described it as building a relationship. She suggested that we have daily check-ins with our Shadow. Ask questions. Treat our Shadow not as a problem to solve but as a being that has something to tell us — about what we want, what we're afraid of, and what's actually possible for us.

I wondered: Can I actually befriend my shadow?

I've spent a lot of time trying to push past resistance, muscle my way through fear, pep talk myself into action. And what I'm realizing is that none of that will fully work if the most intelligent part of me is still waiting to be found.

This is the work. Not just for healing, but for building. For creating the career, the life, the impact we keep saying we want.

So, after having a couple of conversations with Kristan, we’ve decided to team up and host a live workshop on the Shadow — I truly believe every woman will benefit greatly by putting her focus on this right now. 

This feels like important work for us to all be doing, because the world needs us. The world needs you. It’s time to stop questioning, waiting, hiding, putting off, holding back, and dimming your light.

This is the new era … and it begins with us: The soul-led women of the world who know how to both nurture, heal, and kick ass at the same time.

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Mark your calendar: Thursday, May 14 at 5:00 PM. More details coming very soon.

In the meantime, I’m curious:

What part of you has been waiting to be found?